Learning to balance

Here I am, two-thirds of the way through my first year as a doctoral student, and I still have most of my sanity. Following my first quarter, I realized that, if I continued to approach school with such a serious and unwavering dedication to being the best, I would probably be carried out of class someday on a stretcher. I entered my doctoral program believing I had to prove to myself that I was worthy of acceptance into the program. Now, I’m not sure why I felt this way because, quite honestly, no one had ever uttered such words to me, but I was a woman on a mission.

You see, I’ve always enjoyed the extracurricular aspects of school far more than the academic side of things. I did my work because, if I didn’t maintain a 2.0 GPA, I couldn’t cheer, or I would be discouraged from participating in the school musical or, worst of all, my mother would not be pleased. I managed to always maintain an A-/B+ average without much effort. Well, now that I was going to be a doctoral student, I planned to put forth all the effort I could muster up.

During that first quarter, I woke up early to read and went to bed late for the same reason. I set aside a few days each week when I would not allow myself to leave my apartment. On those days, I would read and write. My pen and my highlighter were my best friends. The only social outlets I had for most of the first quarter of the program were random text exchanges with my friends and the time I spent on Facebook. I would not allow myself to spend face-to-face time with my peers, because I thought that time could be better used reading. I didn’t even go to the gym. I convinced myself an hour spent on the elliptical machine was one hour that should be spent reading. I came out of my first quarter with a 4.0 GPA, but I paid a great price for it. It took most of the five weeks of my winter break to recoup from the psychological and emotional damage I had done to myself.

Enter the second quarter. I made a promise to myself that I would not be so focused on school that I was unable to enjoy the other parts of my life. I decided that each Sunday after church, I would spend the rest of the day doing whatever I wanted to do. I had many lazy Sunday afternoons. I went out to lunch with my friends, and spent time visiting with my family. I also didn’t beat myself during the week if I didn’t read every single word of the assigned reading, or if I took the long way home on a sunny afternoon. I told myself the work would get done. I didn’t need to plan out every minute of every day to ensure I remained on task. I even told myself that it would be OK to start dating again and, as fate would have it, I reconnected with my high school sweetie in a chance meeting. (Really, the story sounds like something out of a romance movie.) We are involved in a relationship again, and I am happier than ever.

So, I ended up with one B+ this quarter. That’s OK; I’m still learning how to balance my life. I must admit I was probably a little too lax this quarter. I dare not write some of the things I did (or didn’t do) as it relates to my schoolwork, and I have learned that writing a paper the night before it’s due may not be the best way to go about it. But hey, it’s a learning process, right? I have learned that life does not end because school begins. We have to be able to incorporate school into our lives and not make school the center of our universe. In the four years that I will spend as a doctoral student, I can’t allow myself to be only a student and nothing else. A lot can happen in four years. My entire life shouldn’t be put on hold because I’m working toward a doctoral degree. Nor should my friends or family be neglected. It’s all about balance. Balancing my life and prioritizing what is truly important has become a great lesson for me. They say a taught lesson is a bought lesson. We’ll just say I paid for this one in cash.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing. Sigma Theta Tau International.