Stay-at-home mom, with a PhD

Now that I’m coming to the end of my first year as a doctoral student, I’m beginning to wonder what type of position I want to take on once I complete my degree. My dream job is to work as a researcher in teen-pregnancy prevention. I love teaching, so I’d like to do that, possibly on the side. If I could create my own position, I’d work full time as a researcher for a government agency or other non-profit organization and part time as a women’s health nursing instructor. But here’s the catch. I don’t want to work full time right away; I’d much rather spend the first few years after graduation starting a family.

I make no secret about the fact that my desire has always been to be a stay-at-home mother while my children are small. I want to have the opportunity to raise them without interference from a child-development or day-care center, at least until they are ready for preschool. When I make these types of statements aloud, I see the furrowed eyebrows of my colleagues. I used to get offended, but now I think it’s pretty funny. I don’t know why people assume that, just because I am in a doctoral program and want to establish a career in research, I also want to be a full-time career woman. The reality is this: If I am in any position to be a stay-at-home mom, I will be at home with a PhD.

Women have made important strides in employment over the past 50 years. I can appreciate all the struggles they had to go through so that I have the opportunities I have today to climb the corporate ladder. I am keenly aware of present-day gender imbalances in male-dominated career fields, so I understand the difficulties other women go through. I don’t have to deal with too many gender differences as a nurse, I’m thankful to say. (I will admit that I recently became aware that male nurses may come in at a higher salary and move up the ranks quicker than female nurses, but that may be because of their desire to show they are as capable of being good nurses as women. Who knows?) But my appreciation of past and present struggles of women who work outside the home is not enough of a reason for me to give up my own dream of being a stay-at-home mom.

One of the great things about nursing, especially for a person like me, is the flexibility the nursing profession offers. Even as a full-time staff nurse, I could work two to three days per week (12-hour shifts, of course). To be a full-time employee, yet stay at home four or five days per week is a pretty good deal, if you ask me. There’s also the option to work from home. As one of my classmates stated, “If you have a computer, you’ll be fine.” There are lots of nursing jobs that allow nurses to work from home. I can teach online, for example. There, I get the best of both worlds—I can continue to gain experience in my career and still be a stay-at-home mother.

If I had to give my honest opinion, I’d say earning a PhD opens—not closes—the door to stay-at-home motherhood. Nurses with doctoral degrees have many more career options than nurses who practice at the bedside. It is also my opinion that women should not feel pressured to work full time outside of their homes just because gender inequalities are less today than in times past. Women should feel free to work outside the home, stay at home to care for their children or otherwise work at home as they please.

A mother who chooses to stay at home the first few years of her child(ren)’s life/lives is no less committed to her career than a mother who chooses to return to her place of employment following her six-week postpartum visit. As members of a profession that is comprised mostly of women, we shouldn’t judge one another for wanting to take time away from our careers to tend to our families, nor should those of us who do make that choice impose our beliefs of familial importance on those who choose to sidestep traditional maternal roles to be full-time career women. To each her own.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published for the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International.

Learning to balance

Here I am, two-thirds of the way through my first year as a doctoral student, and I still have most of my sanity. Following my first quarter, I realized that, if I continued to approach school with such a serious and unwavering dedication to being the best, I would probably be carried out of class someday on a stretcher. I entered my doctoral program believing I had to prove to myself that I was worthy of acceptance into the program. Now, I’m not sure why I felt this way because, quite honestly, no one had ever uttered such words to me, but I was a woman on a mission.

You see, I’ve always enjoyed the extracurricular aspects of school far more than the academic side of things. I did my work because, if I didn’t maintain a 2.0 GPA, I couldn’t cheer, or I would be discouraged from participating in the school musical or, worst of all, my mother would not be pleased. I managed to always maintain an A-/B+ average without much effort. Well, now that I was going to be a doctoral student, I planned to put forth all the effort I could muster up.

During that first quarter, I woke up early to read and went to bed late for the same reason. I set aside a few days each week when I would not allow myself to leave my apartment. On those days, I would read and write. My pen and my highlighter were my best friends. The only social outlets I had for most of the first quarter of the program were random text exchanges with my friends and the time I spent on Facebook. I would not allow myself to spend face-to-face time with my peers, because I thought that time could be better used reading. I didn’t even go to the gym. I convinced myself an hour spent on the elliptical machine was one hour that should be spent reading. I came out of my first quarter with a 4.0 GPA, but I paid a great price for it. It took most of the five weeks of my winter break to recoup from the psychological and emotional damage I had done to myself.

Enter the second quarter. I made a promise to myself that I would not be so focused on school that I was unable to enjoy the other parts of my life. I decided that each Sunday after church, I would spend the rest of the day doing whatever I wanted to do. I had many lazy Sunday afternoons. I went out to lunch with my friends, and spent time visiting with my family. I also didn’t beat myself during the week if I didn’t read every single word of the assigned reading, or if I took the long way home on a sunny afternoon. I told myself the work would get done. I didn’t need to plan out every minute of every day to ensure I remained on task. I even told myself that it would be OK to start dating again and, as fate would have it, I reconnected with my high school sweetie in a chance meeting. (Really, the story sounds like something out of a romance movie.) We are involved in a relationship again, and I am happier than ever.

So, I ended up with one B+ this quarter. That’s OK; I’m still learning how to balance my life. I must admit I was probably a little too lax this quarter. I dare not write some of the things I did (or didn’t do) as it relates to my schoolwork, and I have learned that writing a paper the night before it’s due may not be the best way to go about it. But hey, it’s a learning process, right? I have learned that life does not end because school begins. We have to be able to incorporate school into our lives and not make school the center of our universe. In the four years that I will spend as a doctoral student, I can’t allow myself to be only a student and nothing else. A lot can happen in four years. My entire life shouldn’t be put on hold because I’m working toward a doctoral degree. Nor should my friends or family be neglected. It’s all about balance. Balancing my life and prioritizing what is truly important has become a great lesson for me. They say a taught lesson is a bought lesson. We’ll just say I paid for this one in cash.

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing. Sigma Theta Tau International.