Dealing with disappointment

Against my better judgment, I tried out to be selected as one of the student speakers at graduation. One speaker is chosen to represent each of the four degrees that will be conferred during the 11 June 2016 ceremony. I originally hadn’t planned to try out because I don’t like the spirit of competition. I personally know one of the people with whom I would be competing. And the “selection committee”? An audience full of students! Students who believe I am a hardnosed educator. Students who didn’t receive grades they wanted while enrolled in my class. The odds were stacked against me, and I knew it, but I decided to give it a try anyway.

In 2005, I was the student speaker at the San Jose State University Black Graduation, a ceremony that highlights achievements of black/African-American graduates and anyone else who wants to participate. Giving that speech was my proudest moment at SJSU. For weeks before the big day, I wrote and rewrote what I wanted to say. I had 10 minutes to congratulate the class of 2005, inspire graduates and ceremony guests, and leave them desiring to truly make a difference in this world. I was able to do all that and more! People still remind me of the words I spoke at graduation and the impact it had on them. So, although I was scared to death that I would not be selected as one of the graduation speakers at UCLA, I still decided to throw my hat in the ring.

Adam Kazmierski/iStock

As I suspected, I was not selected to represent the PhD graduates. I had mixed feelings about the entire situation. On one hand, I was really proud of myself for doing something that terrified me. Facing our fears is always admirable. On the other hand, although I wasn’t surprised by the decision, I was still disappointed. When I expressed my disappointment to some friends via social media, I received responses such as these: “Girl, you will be at the graduation getting your PhD!!!!! What a blessing in itself,” and “You are graduating, getting a PhD, moving to Philly to start an amazing postdoc. Now tell again, what is the problem?” Another friend sent me a text message saying, “Ummmm, you’re graduating Dr. Montgomery.”

Although these messages were meant to help me see the good in a bad situation, they really struck a negative chord with me, and I’ll tell you why. As someone who has been labeled an overachiever and perfectionist (neither of which I use to describe myself), I am almost always expected to be the best, do the best, and come out on top. When that doesn’t happen, people tend to make comments that actually make me feel worse than if they had said nothing at all. It’s almost as if I’m never expected to fail and, when I fall short of my goals, not to feel bad about it.

In speaking with some of my colleagues, I learned that my experience is not an isolated one, but we rarely share our feelings with friends and family. More often than not, the people who love us the most have no idea what we deal with as PhD students. And, while I can’t speak for all PhD students, I’m sure many will agree with the sentiments of this post.

Dealing with disappointment can be compared to grieving the loss of a loved one. No matter what anyone says, they’re probably going to say the wrong thing. When you are grieving, you typically don’t want to hear someone say, “I know how you feel,” or “It’ll be all right.” And, you certainly don’t want them to compare the person you lost to people who are still with you. You know, “Well, at least he wasn’t an only child,” or “You still have your other grandparents.” In nursing school, we’re taught that these types of comments are nontherapeutic. They harm far more than they help. In a similar fashion, comments I received from my friends about being turned down as a graduation speaker were not helpful. I’m disappointed that I was not selected to address colleagues, family, and friends at my graduation ceremony. Only time will heal that pain.

If I could give any advice about comforting someone who is dealing with disappointment, especially someone you consider to be an overachiever or perfectionist, it would be, “Don’t say a word!” Give him or her the space to be human. Allow that person enough time to experience a range of emotions, which will include anger, hurt, and sadness. In the case of PhD candidates, don’t remind them that they are on the road to receiving a PhD. Obtaining a PhD doesn’t negate our feelings as human beings. Getting that degree doesn’t mean we will never experience disappointment, pain, or sadness. It doesn’t mean we have no other goals we’d like to accomplish. It isn’t the pinnacle of our life’s worth. It just means we worked hard to achieve something that most people will never achieve. It doesn’t make us superhuman.

Not being selected as the graduation speaker was disappointing, but all is not lost. While my classmates won’t ever get the chance to hear my speech, I thought it would be nice to share it with my readers. I hope it resonates with you:

Frederick Douglass once said, “If there is no struggle, there is no progress.” Well here we are, graduating with terminal degrees. That’s progress. But, man, O man, was it a struggle! We’ve seen long days and even longer nights. We’ve laughed together, cried together, and, at times, had to convince each other we weren’t losing our minds. Life didn’t stop because we were in a PhD program. We’ve celebrated births and engagements, and held each other up when loved ones transitioned or relationships didn’t last. While supporting one another as best we could, we endured the lonely road of earning a PhD—emphasis on “earning” because we can all attest to the fact that those three letters were not simply handed to us. But after all the papers, conference presentations, and chapter revisions, WE MADE IT!

From our research on music therapy and hookah smoking to care of elders and text-message interventions, we’ve given voices to the voiceless, provided evidence for changes in practice and policy, and inspired a future generation of nurses to be daring, provocative, and innovative.

We are graduating at a time when the healthcare community realizes the impact nurses have on the health and well-being of people all around the globe. After centuries of viewing nurses as handmaidens, our colleagues in medicine are eager to engage in interdisciplinary practice. Now is the perfect time for us to seize the opportunity we have been given. We have the keys to unlock doors that many people don’t want to walk through, doors that are nonexistent to some and not able to be opened by others.

Today, we join an elite group of nurse scholars. Among the fewer than 1 percent of nurses who have earned a PhD, we have truly accomplished an extraordinary feat. We deserve to celebrate this accomplishment the whole weekend through. But, after the celebration ends, let’s do our part to reach back and help others along their way. Let’s commit to serving as mentors to the nursing students who are following in our footsteps. Let’s take on leadership roles in our various nursing organizations and societies. Let’s leverage our authority as experts in our field to highlight ways under-represented populations continue to be marginalized. And let’s work together to decrease health disparities. Let’s do whatever it takes to fight for changes we want to see in healthcare and in the Ivory Tower.

This is not the end. It is only the beginning. We have long and fulfilling careers in education, research, and administration ahead of us. We have the world at our feet. With cherished memories of our time at UCLA forever engrained in our minds, let’s go forth and change the world. Never stop asking questions. Never stop searching for answers. Let’s go out there and show them what we’re made of. Congratulations, doctors. We made it!

For Reflections on Nursing Leadership (RNL), published by the Honor Society of Nursing, Sigma Theta Tau International. Comments are moderated. Those that promote products or services will not be posted.